Day 23

Today I literally spent the whole day blogging. I was blogging at job 1, then came home and blogged some more, then did some multitasking - blogging and checking what's going on with job 2 and other e-mails, then I just blogged... I had this few posts I was owing and because of all the mess that was going on that I had to put in words, it lasted for ages.
Naturally, I'm speechless now.


The cool thing is, I played guitar for more than an hour today and it was good. Right as it's supposed to be: pleasant, calming and overwhelming. I love it!


I guess I need to step away from the computer a little bit now so I would get my thoughts back!


I'm looking forward to writing again tomorrow, somewhere between 10 and 11 pm, exactly when I should.


Until tomorrow,
Shine on and may the force be with you!

Day 22

After having acknowledged my state, that was no longer a thing to think about. Naturally - solutions are. And I realized that after I figured out what more I could do to improve job 2 and after I sent the first e-mail to a university that offers a Master course I liked a lot.

I was definitely not as effective as I'm supposed to be, but at least life didn't feel like a total waste today and what I did, I did properly. Here it is:


07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
12:00 - 13:00 a walk (lunch)
13:00 - 15:15 job 2
15:00 - 16:00 guitar playing
16:00 - 18:00 looking for studies abroad


My sister (who I, by the way, live and spend half of my day with) told me today that she finally read my blog. :) It seemed to her not one day did I do all that I was supposed to, and in her opinion that is because I have too much planned each day ("As always!", she says).


That definitely is true. It is much. It's six different activities I need to commit my attention, time and energy to every day, excluding basic physiological needs like eating, Facebook & Twitter and seeing friends. :)
But the fact is, all six things are something my life consists of at the moment (I can divide it into three wholes: Work [job 1 and job 2]), Studying [exam and Master], Personal fitness & well being [guitar and bike]). I need to do all of them and I can't skip non (I can skip guitar, for instance, but I really don't feel like it, it brings me so much joy).


So, her suggestion was: why not schedule all the items weekly. Like, on some days play the guitar while on the others look for scholarship, and that way unload myself a bit. There's a whole discussion on the subject happening in my head and I'll leave it to some future post, when I have it figured out.
It definitely is something I have considered doing, in terms of modification of my schedule in the future.



Another thing - time for studying. It was completely wrong to put it in late afternoon. I did it because that's when I have lectures at the uni on Mondays and Thursdays, but later on I realized I have the same lecture earlier, too. I can take up those and reschedule studying hours to right after job 1. As the day flows by, I get more tired and when it comes to 6 pm I really don't feel fresh and funky enough to be creative enough to put all the unrelated, useless information I have to learn by heart into mind maps of a certain kind. But, as I said, there can't be any changes in the schedule until the 30 days reach their end. But after they do, studying is definitely happening earlier!


...Did I just sound like I'm continuing with the routine after the project is done? :)
Well, yes. I definitely am. Just thinking about leaving such important things in my life, with such a big volume to randomness is freaking me out! Even this organised I can't make it, how would I ever do it without a plan?!? :)


I think I will keep having the schedule, change it a bit... who knows, maybe start a new round of project! But, easy. We'll see when the time comes.  

See ya on the flip side!

Day 21

I don't even feel like going into what my today's routine was like, but definitely not as it's supposed to look like. 


07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:30 job 1
12:30 - 14:00 (lunch)
14:00 - 16:45 job 2
16:45 - 17:00 guitar
17:00 - 18:00 CV
18:00 - wasting time...


I would either just totally loose it and go waste time, or sit and allegedly do what I'm supposed to, but the real truth is it was so reluctantly. Not to mention how productive...


I started having major doubts about how happy this whole thing makes me.
I started feeling like I'm put in a situation where I'm doing bunch of things I have to do, and not what I want to...and I hate having to!!
That is because I lost the idea of why. Things change, circumstances change and my attitude towards them changes as well, and I need to have time to digest it all. To think about it. To reassess my desires so I can then give myself explanation why is it good or important to hold on, motivate myself.


But in a rush that I had, all I had was a shell, with nothing inside. I had my schedule, but I had no idea why the hell I was doing it anymore! I still had a form, I was focused on when and what, but I lost the substance - what for.


What made things even more hard is that I suddenly got stuck.
First of all, all the effort that I put in job 2 doesn't seem to pay off. I figured out e-mails don't cut the mustard, so I tried other methods of approach... So many moves made, but I don't seem to get any feedback. So not only I don't know what to do anymore, but my motivation is way low and with that state of mind it's hard to maintain the winning attitude.


Then, the exam... I have this one exam left to obtaining a Bachelor degree. It's just that one step I need to make happen so I could continue on with my life, go some new places, do some new cool stuff, gain some new victories! There's many things in my current life I'd like to make different, but I just need to finish the uni so I could undividedly dive into whatever new and exciting I choose to be the next!


...I have this one exam for some time now. 
I've tried to pass it many times, without sufficient success and because it started feeling as if the future will never begin, I got really determined to get it over with this time! On Saturday I had the first test (the exam consist of three) and I took it really seriously this time, changed all I did wrong in the past, studied and learned more than ever, and did all I usually used to do in order to pass (this does not refer to prohibited means). 


And I didn't make it. Results are still not out, but I can tell I'm not passing. It seems I need to study like I want to score an A (which never really was my goal; I find marks genuinely irrelevant) just in order to pass. However, having passed this test would feel like unlocking the beginning of the future. But it never happened. 
And I'm stuck. Still stuck. How can I even look for a scholarship and apply for further studies when it seems like I'll never finish the ones I started five years ago?!


Under all of the circumstances, and in addition struggling with the idea of still having to work on it while feeling stuck and not having the time to think it all through and find the way out... well, how creative can you be? Art requires being close to yourself, and being close to yourself requires doing what you like and, more importantly, not making yourself do stuff. So, how could I possibly get a peace of mind and enjoy playing guitar...


There you go. My whole day. 
Stuck.


All I can do is randomly scroll through News feed and Timeline, which makes me feel even more distracted.


And that's what I don't like about routine. What happens when you don't feel like doing something?
On one hand, if you're determined about something you mustn't give up even if it feels pointless, even when it feels like you're failing. As Veroljub Zmijanac said at New Leaders Conference this year, if you want to suceed, you've got to be ready to shit your pants for it (he did literally say that).
On the other hand, if you want to be happy, you need to quit doing what you dislike, you need not to force it and quit beating yourself up...


So, what is a man to do?

Weekend: Day 19 and Day 20

Once again it proved that not having both days of the weekend free purely for leisure activities is a bad idea. I need all of that time! Firstly to get some proper sleep, then to have some time just for myself so I could collect my thoughts, contemplate on where I'm at, conclude, decide...


Saturday I woke up at 6 am to go to the exam.

At noon TEDxNoviSad was opening and I had to be there a bit earlier, so the trip to uni and back plus and hour and a half of writing the assignment - it was a rush.

Then I spend the whole Saturday on the conference, barely had a time to go back home to freshen up before I was out again, heading for a birthday party of a company I am kind of working for. As you can find linked, it was wild (I don't know how I managed to hold on, honestly, but I was definitely raging)!! I was home...well, early - and finally seized the bed!!

Waking up at 3 pm beaten didn't give me much of a chance to ponder over my own life. I maybe stepped into the first phase where you have a good rest in awake.

So I spend the "whole" day tumbling around, watching TV for 5 hours (O.o those who know me know that I don't watch TV unless it's a completely hopeless situation. I mean, I actually saw Clueless!) and a few of the episodes of Brothers & Sisters...

However, all I did manage to thing of is how poorly I did the exam...

Day 17 and Day 18

Two days right before the exam...


Do you remember how I said in my first post that I know in advance that the last few days before the exam are going to be challenging because that's when I usually study the most?


Well, not only I was studying the most in this two days, but focusing on what's ahead of me and only on that is of great importance. Keeping my mind clear for it and not dispersing my energy on other stuff.
Needless to say how irrelevant playing the guitar or trying hard about the job 2, for instance, is when put in the context of not passing the exam...


So, I spent these two days working in the morning and studying in the afternoon and in the evening. 


This was a test. I knew this was coming. But I wanted to see if it's something that I can affect on.


On the other hand, this situation reminded me of something: I find it really hard to do several thing at the same time. While I was still a regular student it was impossible for me to focus on studying two subjects at the same time. When I started working (and I was doing job 1 as I do now), studying was impossible. I needed to take days off to do the exams. So, I find it completely natural that I reacted this way right before the exam (though I did lose sight of it when I was setting my goals).


Only this time, I was working and studying at the same time and still didn't find it disturbing or difficult to maintain my diet.


This might be the proof that the higher you set your goals, the bigger achievement will be, even if it's not as big as planned.


...Which doesn't mean I'm not beating myself up about not achieving as much as I planned.
Am I right or wrong?

Day 16

As if ...today never was.
Whatever it was that today was supposed to be, it wasn't.
Like there's no tomorrow.
Like there's no life that I live, let alone "the plan".
I just ignored it all...


I don't know what happened. I woke up regularly, went to work regularly, worked, came home... 
Then some friends came over and we just hung out the whooole afternoon, had coffees and lunch and immense amounts of laughter and some great talks, saw numerous Youtubes, exchanged some fresh gossip :) but some life wisdom too (oh, I love how smart my friends are! :* :*)!


Now, this was no decision. It wasn't "I'm gonna do what I gotta do today", nor "I don't give a funk for today!", that's what's the most puzzling about it!
Even while writing this my mindset is totally out of where it was in last 15 days. 


And I kinda like it. Like I left my life and went some place else.


I do still have the exam on my mind, as the urgent/important and I'm freaking out about it a little bit... But, in the manner of my today's mood and apart from the exam, all the other things today were just irrelevant.
There were no life goals today for me, no achievements, no perspectives, no hustling... 
Today I just lived.


And since I don't have any fulfilled agenda to share with you, here's some great music I was listening to.


Until tomorrow,
Keep it real!

Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans (Penguin Prison Remix)

We Found Love - Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris (Boyce Avenue piano acoustic cover)

Lena Kovačević - By Your Side

YELLE - Comme Un Enfant (official music video)

Robyn - Be Mine (acoustic cover by Tijana & Robyn - Be Mine (acoustic cover by Tijana & Branko)

Day 15

Here I am at the exact middle of my little project. The days behind me seem like they have flown by, but the thought of as many awaiting is not comforting. Though, I'm looking forward to it.

Here's today:
07:00 woke up
08:00 - 13:30 job 1 (breakfast)
13:30 - 14:30 lunch
14:30 - 15:30 chillin'
15:30 - 16:00 guitar practice
16:00 - 18:00 writing the CV
18:00 - 19:30 hangin' online (dinner)
19:30 - 22:00 studying
22:00 - 22:30 blog update


Today was really busy at the store. Not only did I came home late, I was also pretty overwhelmed with all that was happening there and tired when I returned.


I have this exam in few days and even though the "rule" (Yuck! I hate rules!) is to stick to the schedule even under that circumstance, I couldn't help thinking about how much energy I'll need for studying later in the afternoon, so I didn't force myself to strictly do everything according to the plan. I needed to save a peace of mind.


So, apart from checking if there's anything that urgently needs to be done with job 2, I did nothing more about it today. I certainly would if I was not back home so late...


I switched places for some other activities, like spending time online and studying. And I've decided not to ride my bike today so I could go to bed a bit earlier and get some sleep, tomorrow I really need to study productively and try and achieve all the rest there is.


Until tomorrow,
Stay strong!