I don't even feel like going into what my today's routine was like, but definitely not as it's supposed to look like.
07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:30 job 1
12:30 - 14:00 (lunch)
14:00 - 16:45 job 2
16:45 - 17:00 guitar
17:00 - 18:00 CV
18:00 - wasting time...
I would either just totally loose it and go waste time, or sit and allegedly do what I'm supposed to, but the real truth is it was so reluctantly. Not to mention how productive...
I started having major doubts about how happy this whole thing makes me.
I started feeling like I'm put in a situation where I'm doing bunch of things I have to do, and not what I want to...and I hate having to!!
That is because I lost the idea of why. Things change, circumstances change and my attitude towards them changes as well, and I need to have time to digest it all. To think about it. To reassess my desires so I can then give myself explanation why is it good or important to hold on, motivate myself.
But in a rush that I had, all I had was a shell, with nothing inside. I had my schedule, but I had no idea why the hell I was doing it anymore! I still had a form, I was focused on when and what, but I lost the substance - what for.
What made things even more hard is that I suddenly got stuck.
First of all, all the effort that I put in job 2 doesn't seem to pay off. I figured out e-mails don't cut the mustard, so I tried other methods of approach... So many moves made, but I don't seem to get any feedback. So not only I don't know what to do anymore, but my motivation is way low and with that state of mind it's hard to maintain the winning attitude.
Then, the exam... I have this one exam left to obtaining a Bachelor degree. It's just that one step I need to make happen so I could continue on with my life, go some new places, do some new cool stuff, gain some new victories! There's many things in my current life I'd like to make different, but I just need to finish the uni so I could undividedly dive into whatever new and exciting I choose to be the next!
...I have this one exam for some time now.
I've tried to pass it many times, without sufficient success and because it started feeling as if the future will never begin, I got really determined to get it over with this time! On Saturday I had the first test (the exam consist of three) and I took it really seriously this time, changed all I did wrong in the past, studied and learned more than ever, and did all I usually used to do in order to pass (this does not refer to prohibited means).
And I didn't make it. Results are still not out, but I can tell I'm not passing. It seems I need to study like I want to score an A (which never really was my goal; I find marks genuinely irrelevant) just in order to pass. However, having passed this test would feel like unlocking the beginning of the future. But it never happened.
And I'm stuck. Still stuck. How can I even look for a scholarship and apply for further studies when it seems like I'll never finish the ones I started five years ago?!
Under all of the circumstances, and in addition struggling with the idea of still having to work on it while feeling stuck and not having the time to think it all through and find the way out... well, how creative can you be? Art requires being close to yourself, and being close to yourself requires doing what you like and, more importantly, not making yourself do stuff. So, how could I possibly get a peace of mind and enjoy playing guitar...
There you go. My whole day.
Stuck.
All I can do is randomly scroll through News feed and Timeline, which makes me feel even more distracted.
And that's what I don't like about routine. What happens when you don't feel like doing something?
On one hand, if you're determined about something you mustn't give up even if it feels pointless, even when it feels like you're failing. As Veroljub Zmijanac said at New Leaders Conference this year, if you want to suceed, you've got to be ready to shit your pants for it (he did literally say that).
On the other hand, if you want to be happy, you need to quit doing what you dislike, you need not to force it and quit beating yourself up...
So, what is a man to do?
07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:30 job 1
12:30 - 14:00 (lunch)
14:00 - 16:45 job 2
16:45 - 17:00 guitar
17:00 - 18:00 CV
18:00 - wasting time...
I would either just totally loose it and go waste time, or sit and allegedly do what I'm supposed to, but the real truth is it was so reluctantly. Not to mention how productive...
I started having major doubts about how happy this whole thing makes me.
I started feeling like I'm put in a situation where I'm doing bunch of things I have to do, and not what I want to...and I hate having to!!
That is because I lost the idea of why. Things change, circumstances change and my attitude towards them changes as well, and I need to have time to digest it all. To think about it. To reassess my desires so I can then give myself explanation why is it good or important to hold on, motivate myself.
But in a rush that I had, all I had was a shell, with nothing inside. I had my schedule, but I had no idea why the hell I was doing it anymore! I still had a form, I was focused on when and what, but I lost the substance - what for.
What made things even more hard is that I suddenly got stuck.
First of all, all the effort that I put in job 2 doesn't seem to pay off. I figured out e-mails don't cut the mustard, so I tried other methods of approach... So many moves made, but I don't seem to get any feedback. So not only I don't know what to do anymore, but my motivation is way low and with that state of mind it's hard to maintain the winning attitude.
Then, the exam... I have this one exam left to obtaining a Bachelor degree. It's just that one step I need to make happen so I could continue on with my life, go some new places, do some new cool stuff, gain some new victories! There's many things in my current life I'd like to make different, but I just need to finish the uni so I could undividedly dive into whatever new and exciting I choose to be the next!
...I have this one exam for some time now.
I've tried to pass it many times, without sufficient success and because it started feeling as if the future will never begin, I got really determined to get it over with this time! On Saturday I had the first test (the exam consist of three) and I took it really seriously this time, changed all I did wrong in the past, studied and learned more than ever, and did all I usually used to do in order to pass (this does not refer to prohibited means).
And I didn't make it. Results are still not out, but I can tell I'm not passing. It seems I need to study like I want to score an A (which never really was my goal; I find marks genuinely irrelevant) just in order to pass. However, having passed this test would feel like unlocking the beginning of the future. But it never happened.
And I'm stuck. Still stuck. How can I even look for a scholarship and apply for further studies when it seems like I'll never finish the ones I started five years ago?!
Under all of the circumstances, and in addition struggling with the idea of still having to work on it while feeling stuck and not having the time to think it all through and find the way out... well, how creative can you be? Art requires being close to yourself, and being close to yourself requires doing what you like and, more importantly, not making yourself do stuff. So, how could I possibly get a peace of mind and enjoy playing guitar...
There you go. My whole day.
Stuck.
All I can do is randomly scroll through News feed and Timeline, which makes me feel even more distracted.
And that's what I don't like about routine. What happens when you don't feel like doing something?
On one hand, if you're determined about something you mustn't give up even if it feels pointless, even when it feels like you're failing. As Veroljub Zmijanac said at New Leaders Conference this year, if you want to suceed, you've got to be ready to shit your pants for it (he did literally say that).
On the other hand, if you want to be happy, you need to quit doing what you dislike, you need not to force it and quit beating yourself up...
So, what is a man to do?
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