After the day like yesterday, with no time to rest other than physically (which was still insufficient), and on the second last day of my project, here's how I spend my day:
07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
12:00 - 13:00 checking private e-mails (lunch)
13:00 - 15:00 writing an e-mail to a friend
15:00 - 16:00 doing a psycho test of a certain kind...
16:00 - 18:00 "power nap"
18:00 - wasting time..
So, as you can see, I did just job 1. I did other things, too, but nothing according to the plan. I feel so much like I've lost myself in all the struggle to maintain following the schedule. If I was thinking about the importance of the things that I need to finish and do, I certainly would already be somewhere out just chillin'! Sounds funny, but in this condition of being worn out, the only reasonable thing is to step on the break, which is not what's happening. Even the things I always feel like doing, like playing the guitar, when I need to do them at a certain time feel like obligation, and y'all know how I feel about having to.
I mean, it's organic! My body resists to obey! My mind is useless when it's forced. And what makes it the worsest is that I am making myself do this, so there's no way out. No thought that can give me reconciliation with the situation, as if someone else was making me do this. No one I can be angry or spiteful with.
Today I feel the same way I felt at the peak of the worst identity crisis I remember I had. My will and my identity are the most important things I have and the ones I could never let go and give up on, I confidently claim that.
I even stopped listening to music! It's playing in the background, but I don't even have enough soul to hear it. That has always been a good indicator of my happiness - the way I perceive music... Well, that's how far off I am from myself.
07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
12:00 - 13:00 checking private e-mails (lunch)
13:00 - 15:00 writing an e-mail to a friend
15:00 - 16:00 doing a psycho test of a certain kind...
16:00 - 18:00 "power nap"
18:00 - wasting time..
So, as you can see, I did just job 1. I did other things, too, but nothing according to the plan. I feel so much like I've lost myself in all the struggle to maintain following the schedule. If I was thinking about the importance of the things that I need to finish and do, I certainly would already be somewhere out just chillin'! Sounds funny, but in this condition of being worn out, the only reasonable thing is to step on the break, which is not what's happening. Even the things I always feel like doing, like playing the guitar, when I need to do them at a certain time feel like obligation, and y'all know how I feel about having to.
I mean, it's organic! My body resists to obey! My mind is useless when it's forced. And what makes it the worsest is that I am making myself do this, so there's no way out. No thought that can give me reconciliation with the situation, as if someone else was making me do this. No one I can be angry or spiteful with.
Today I feel the same way I felt at the peak of the worst identity crisis I remember I had. My will and my identity are the most important things I have and the ones I could never let go and give up on, I confidently claim that.
I even stopped listening to music! It's playing in the background, but I don't even have enough soul to hear it. That has always been a good indicator of my happiness - the way I perceive music... Well, that's how far off I am from myself.
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