OK Plateau

An awesome article on Brain Pickings about comfort zone and improving yourself.

Day 30

So, here's the last day of my project.
When I was imagining it, 30 days ago, I was imagining that I will be a totally different person on this day from who I was then.
The reality is: maybe I am, I just had no time to realize.


I was also imagining that on this day I will give special attention to this last post, with all the shiny and colorful wisdom I got from this deal.
The reality is: I'll have to give myself some time to figure out the ultimate wisdoms; first, to achieve "historical distance" and then to really thing everything through.
I definitely did give special attention to this blog today, though, having in mind that tonight I finalised the weekend post and the two after that one. The weekend post itself has somewhat "wisdom" in it, but not the kind of wisdom I was imagining for this post.


In times of thinking through the whole project in order to find some new conclusions, I will definitelly go through the blog again (I actually never read my blog, I just write, post, and never come back) and hopefully then spend some time researching the concepts that I intuitively discovered while experiencing this program. I am sure some smarter, more experineced and, over all, more educated people already said a lot about what I was talking about here. I would love to make this blog, among other things, a quality collection of knowledge about time management, will, self-motivation and ultimately - happiness.



I'm sorry I hadn't had enough time to research more about things I was talking about. I don't know how practical it would be for the followers, but as I intend to continue examining this subject, I will probably get some cool references and fill in places where I opened up certain ideas with new information and links.

So, here's my today:

08:00 woke up

08:15 - 12:00 (late for) job 1

13:00 - 14:30 playing the guitar

14:30 - 16:00 talking to a friend, listening to music

16:00 - 17:00 just listening to music

17:00 - 20:00 watching the movie with my family (technical difficulties... its duration was not 3 hours)

20:00 - 21:00 randomly browsing the Internet

21:00 - 02:30 blogging

I'm sorry I don't feel more special about this moment of writing my last daily blog update. My mind is full of sarcastic thoughts - I don't know where that's coming from - if not from five hours of blogging and 2 am :)

However, I'll leave all the rest to be said to some future moment after I get some proper rest, and I promise I'm coming back with some more reflection.

Thank you all for following me! Knowing that there's someone waiting to hear more kept me going much more than without the fact.

Thank you for all of your words of support!

I hope you had fun and, most of all, I hope what I did served you as a source of motivation.

I'm still looking forward to your comments!

Until next time,

Share and enjoy!

Day 29

After the day like yesterday, with no time to rest other than physically (which was still insufficient), and on the second last day of my project, here's how I spend my day:


07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
12:00 - 13:00 checking private e-mails (lunch)
13:00 - 15:00 writing an e-mail to a friend
15:00 - 16:00 doing a psycho test of a certain kind...
16:00 - 18:00 "power nap"
18:00 - wasting time..


So, as you can see, I did just job 1. I did other things, too, but nothing according to the plan. I feel so much like I've lost myself in all the struggle to maintain following the schedule. If I was thinking about the importance of the things that I need to finish and do, I certainly would already be somewhere out just chillin'! Sounds funny, but in this condition of being worn out, the only reasonable thing is to step on the break, which is not what's happening. Even the things I always feel like doing, like playing the guitar, when I need to do them at a certain time feel like obligation, and y'all know how I feel about having to. 


I mean, it's organic! My body resists to obey! My mind is useless when it's forced. And what makes it the worsest is that I am making myself do this, so there's no way out. No thought that can give me reconciliation with the situation, as if someone else was making me do this. No one I can be angry or spiteful with.


Today I feel the same way I felt at the peak of the worst identity crisis I remember I had. My will and my identity are the most important things I have and the ones I could never let go and give up on, I confidently claim that.
I even stopped listening to music! It's playing in the background, but I don't even have enough soul to hear it. That has always been a good indicator of my happiness - the way I perceive music... Well, that's how far off I am from myself.

Day 28

Here's how I spent my day right after the refreshing weekend:


07:30 wakey!
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
(lunch)
13:00 - 15:00 job 2
15:00 - 17:00 guitar
17:00 - 18:00 power nap
18:00 - 20:00 studying (lecture at the uni)




I was doing really well until after the uni. Then I crashed. I was literally worn down.  To be honest, I went trough with the whole day, but it was such a fatigue. At the uni I felt like I was going to burst! So, after the lecture I just had to go some place and switch off. So I went for a beer :)


I'm surprised. This is one of the last days of my project and I was expecting to already be used to all the pressure. But, it seems as almost 30 days of torture :) is getting ahead of me. As I'm only tireder and tireder, which is, with putting extra effort in that condition, turning into a vicious circle of tiredness.

Weekend: Day 26 and Day 27

Oh boy! My power nap lasted for 13 hours and 30 minutes :) I can't believe I actually went to bed at 8 pm!


It was a really nice weekend.
The funny part is, I never went out this weekend, like, to a club or a pub... Which, let me tell you, is very unlikely for myself! It led me to a conclusion: I may as well have had a routine in life that I wasn't aware of until this very moment. Every Friday and every Saturday night I would be out partying with very rear exceptions. 


...No, actually the funny part is I enjoyed not going out!
The main reason I did is because I was too tired, physically and psychologically, that all I needed was the tranquility of my own room, offline-ness, a blanket and a good movie. Just time to be. I wanted it to be relaxing, and I used most of my time for good stuff, like books and movies and small talk. :)


And still, full two days were not enough time to rest. Which means, with this arrangement, I do not have enough time to rest.


In the context of stages of recharging I was mentioning last weekend, I'd like to present how I see them before I continue with further analysis.

• Getting Some Sleep - obviously, this is where you rest physically, in the first place, and make up for all the missing hours of sleep or just sleep in. However, it is not enough, because sleep is just unconscious pause of thoughts. There is a very important conscious part of resting.
• Acknowledging the current state of mind - without having to think of the future or daily tasks, this is when you take time to contemplate over (recent) past and how changes that happened then affected you. It's just "digesting" inner and outer happenings and realizing how you actually feel (may sound silly, but constantly being busy with thinking about all the current stuff without chance to reflect really requires this stage). I like to think of this stage as time for putting yourself back into balance or, in more spiritual words, coming back to yourself.
• Living it - there then just needs to be a time when you will just be who you are in that very moment. Without contemplating, thinking hard or, God forbid, planning! This stage is when you actually mentally rest the most. That is when "recreation" happens. When the energy is accumulating.
• What next? - ...then you make conclusions, decisions and plans on what it is that you want for yourself further on.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily have to be the chronology, stages can be on simultaneously, or ransacked, or in several cycles each considering different part of your life...

Without having this kind of consciousness, we risk to lose ourselves in the world that surrounds us. There is so much influence from the outer world we are exposed to, we all tend to bend and lose focus on what really matters to us. We can easily lose who we are and what our true desires are pointed at.

There is pressure from people we interact with as they all, led with their own understandings and needs, expect us to be someone and do something, even in the best intentions.

Circumstances we live under change daily. If we consider every new day as a new little victory, than we are fighting something each new day and that is - new challenges we are facing and overcoming. Well, each little fight changes you and changes where you’re at (that is the reason why you’re fighting, isn’t it?).

And, of course, media (meaning all you hear, see and read, be it Internet, newspaper, books, TV, radio…). That’s where we get information from and what is the basis of our opinions…

Because of all of this, it is very important to actively reassess our thoughts, feelings and wishes so that we could remain in harmony with ourselves and still serve others.

Especially if we're busy, we don't have time to do all of this and to remain close to ourselves, and the bottom line - creative.

It may seem complex, but that's what I believe most of us are really going through; the matter is only if we're aware of it.

Some people do it on a very organic level without ever thinking about thinking about it - just simply by following their instincts and without the ability to act any differently!  

But in my personal experience, and as I've seen in others, you need to fight for it, and fight hard to reach what your dreams are. To be brave to look them in the eyes and accord with, regardless what the surroundings expects from you. (When talking about this, I always think of an extreme but very simple example: Imagine you've, in your late years, discovered that you are homosexual. It's hard to accept that news and share it with the others, but that is what you want and who you are.)

Also, there are those who never ask themselves these questions and, in my so-far observation, are a majority of people. This group is the most "threatened" - let me call it that name - to achieve genuine happiness. Sounds cruel, but my honest assurance is that people really need to live their own dreams and not dreams or expectations of others, weather it be imposed or oblivious. And, to live your dreams you need to be cognizant of them.

Of course, there are people who are brought to this world to live a simple life, beginning to the end, without ever wanting more than what's meant for them to live. Although, I believe that in each and every one of us lies an extraordinary and unique personality unlike any other, that can fulfill itself to the fullest. But, realistically speaking, it owes a lot to the nurture, somewhat education and finally, plain possibilities and opportunities given.

Others, like myself, are analytical and put it all in list and categories and schemes. :)

  

Finally, there is group of people that is all this and in between, I suppose...

I think this weekend I got as far as acknowledging my current state of mind, and, forced with the lack of time, I made some future plans, but I obviously missed the most important part for continuing on, which is accumulating solid energy. Not only I could've had more rest in all existing forms, but I dislike making any plans without contemplating enough. And also, I haven't had time to think of all I wanted to think about.


With the hope in forthcoming week to be winning,
Rock on! 

Day 25

Here's my day:

07:30 woke up

08:00 - 12:30 job 1

12:30 - 15:30 lunch + watching series with my sister

15:30 - 17:00 playing guitar

17:00 - 18:00 Master research

18:00 - 19:30 random browsing

19:30 sleep

I went to bed last night very late + it's the end of the week. I'm exhausted. Just thinking of studying or riding a bike makes me wanna cry like a baby, because all I wanna do is sleep like a baby.

I think I'll take a power nap instead of riding a bike or studying because it's Friday night, maybe I go out later... first things first, right? :)

Now, to be honest, I'm a bit demoralised when it comes to studying. Anyways my next shot is around 15th of January, so not only I don't feel like thinking about the exam right now, but it's objectively too much ahead...

I am so tired and sleepy, I can't even come up with the sentences...

Smell you guys next week!

Rock on!

Day 24

Today:


07:45 woke up
08:00 - 12:30 job 1 (luckily I live literally around the corner from my work)
12:30 - 16:30 I had a friend come around (lunch)
16:30 - 18:00 Masters, scholarships
18:00 - 20:30 studying (uni)
20:30 - 21:15 watching TV with my parents
21:15 - 00:15 blogging


Not many things I did, but what I did do, it was pretty productive. If there wasn't for this project, I probably would have spend the day pretty much the same, only feeling less guilty.


However, I would have started this post with: "Today I failed at my project." if minutes before I started writing I didn't receive a very supportive Facebook message from my friend Michael from Switzerland, in which there was the following:

"Be aware that progress towards your goals will never be in a straight line. It will always be a wavy line: Two steps forward, one step back.

That can be discouraging at points where you discover that you just slipped a step back. You think you are failing or you are losing it... But you really don't! You are simply in step with the natural rhythm of progress. If you understand that, you can build that in to your schedule. Plan your "comeback" while you are on top and block out time to get away from everything, recreate and refresh. That will make your comeback doing the two steps forward much more exciting."

It is a fragment from an audio book he was "reading" that he offered to share with me, so I still can't reference it, but I'm looking forward to receiving it and sharing it with you, too.

Of course, advices like this are comforting. It helps not loosing your faith and keeping up. It tells you you're not alone, that you're not mistaking, that what happens to you, happens to everyone.


On the other hand, I don't feel like being comforted. I mean, of course I do, everyone does. We all need a hug and an "Everything will be alright!" when it's hard. 
A close friend of mine often tells me I'm being too strict with myself and that I should give myself a break. But I'm doubting how good comfort is. As my macroeconomics professor once said: "It has to be painful". In other words - if it's hard, you are progressing. It means you're facing stuff that are challenging, or new. It gets you out of your comfort zone.

Skipping things that are hard, or looking for comfort is staying in your comfort zone. I believe most of us learned the most from the worst times in our lives, when we felt helpless, when we though everything is falling apart. When we were struggling to put ourselves in a better position. I know I did. 


However, this advice is right at it's many points: you can't struggle non-stop. Even the mighty computer needs to be turned off so it would work properly again, not to mention people, being creatures of will, emotions and moods.
At this point, or better say - this whole week, what I'm doing is pushing harder, but my marginal utility is dropping. Even in my experience this state does not bring forth any good results. I feel that I need to rest, to "recreate". If there wasn't for the project, I certainly would, but I'm trying to keep the consistency. That was the whole idea anyway, wasn't it: give 30 days of my life to the experiment.


As I was talking to my friend today about what will happen after the experiment is done, a thought crossed my mind: "How did I ever do anything without having the program?". It was 24 years of somewhat achievements, what put me in order, made me do stuff?
And it's this one thing - will. Sometimes you need nothing more than that, no outside force to make you do stuff. Now that I think of it, I'm pretty proud of myself for having done so much, just organically. And I think it is a very important thing to have in mind when I get (some time) to think about what will happen next.

Will I give myself a week of a break after it ends?
I will still have to keep going to job 1...
If I use this weekend, and every next, well enough to properly rest, will it be sufficient? 
When I started a project my mother told me a month is insufficient for gaining routine...


In conclusion, I would like to wish you this song, that my friend, Kaća Mladenović, reminded me of in her comment on my last few days:

Until tomorrow,
Live the Journey and Keep the faith!