Day 30

So, here's the last day of my project.
When I was imagining it, 30 days ago, I was imagining that I will be a totally different person on this day from who I was then.
The reality is: maybe I am, I just had no time to realize.


I was also imagining that on this day I will give special attention to this last post, with all the shiny and colorful wisdom I got from this deal.
The reality is: I'll have to give myself some time to figure out the ultimate wisdoms; first, to achieve "historical distance" and then to really thing everything through.
I definitely did give special attention to this blog today, though, having in mind that tonight I finalised the weekend post and the two after that one. The weekend post itself has somewhat "wisdom" in it, but not the kind of wisdom I was imagining for this post.


In times of thinking through the whole project in order to find some new conclusions, I will definitelly go through the blog again (I actually never read my blog, I just write, post, and never come back) and hopefully then spend some time researching the concepts that I intuitively discovered while experiencing this program. I am sure some smarter, more experineced and, over all, more educated people already said a lot about what I was talking about here. I would love to make this blog, among other things, a quality collection of knowledge about time management, will, self-motivation and ultimately - happiness.



I'm sorry I hadn't had enough time to research more about things I was talking about. I don't know how practical it would be for the followers, but as I intend to continue examining this subject, I will probably get some cool references and fill in places where I opened up certain ideas with new information and links.

So, here's my today:

08:00 woke up

08:15 - 12:00 (late for) job 1

13:00 - 14:30 playing the guitar

14:30 - 16:00 talking to a friend, listening to music

16:00 - 17:00 just listening to music

17:00 - 20:00 watching the movie with my family (technical difficulties... its duration was not 3 hours)

20:00 - 21:00 randomly browsing the Internet

21:00 - 02:30 blogging

I'm sorry I don't feel more special about this moment of writing my last daily blog update. My mind is full of sarcastic thoughts - I don't know where that's coming from - if not from five hours of blogging and 2 am :)

However, I'll leave all the rest to be said to some future moment after I get some proper rest, and I promise I'm coming back with some more reflection.

Thank you all for following me! Knowing that there's someone waiting to hear more kept me going much more than without the fact.

Thank you for all of your words of support!

I hope you had fun and, most of all, I hope what I did served you as a source of motivation.

I'm still looking forward to your comments!

Until next time,

Share and enjoy!

Day 29

After the day like yesterday, with no time to rest other than physically (which was still insufficient), and on the second last day of my project, here's how I spend my day:


07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
12:00 - 13:00 checking private e-mails (lunch)
13:00 - 15:00 writing an e-mail to a friend
15:00 - 16:00 doing a psycho test of a certain kind...
16:00 - 18:00 "power nap"
18:00 - wasting time..


So, as you can see, I did just job 1. I did other things, too, but nothing according to the plan. I feel so much like I've lost myself in all the struggle to maintain following the schedule. If I was thinking about the importance of the things that I need to finish and do, I certainly would already be somewhere out just chillin'! Sounds funny, but in this condition of being worn out, the only reasonable thing is to step on the break, which is not what's happening. Even the things I always feel like doing, like playing the guitar, when I need to do them at a certain time feel like obligation, and y'all know how I feel about having to. 


I mean, it's organic! My body resists to obey! My mind is useless when it's forced. And what makes it the worsest is that I am making myself do this, so there's no way out. No thought that can give me reconciliation with the situation, as if someone else was making me do this. No one I can be angry or spiteful with.


Today I feel the same way I felt at the peak of the worst identity crisis I remember I had. My will and my identity are the most important things I have and the ones I could never let go and give up on, I confidently claim that.
I even stopped listening to music! It's playing in the background, but I don't even have enough soul to hear it. That has always been a good indicator of my happiness - the way I perceive music... Well, that's how far off I am from myself.

Day 28

Here's how I spent my day right after the refreshing weekend:


07:30 wakey!
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
(lunch)
13:00 - 15:00 job 2
15:00 - 17:00 guitar
17:00 - 18:00 power nap
18:00 - 20:00 studying (lecture at the uni)




I was doing really well until after the uni. Then I crashed. I was literally worn down.  To be honest, I went trough with the whole day, but it was such a fatigue. At the uni I felt like I was going to burst! So, after the lecture I just had to go some place and switch off. So I went for a beer :)


I'm surprised. This is one of the last days of my project and I was expecting to already be used to all the pressure. But, it seems as almost 30 days of torture :) is getting ahead of me. As I'm only tireder and tireder, which is, with putting extra effort in that condition, turning into a vicious circle of tiredness.

Weekend: Day 26 and Day 27

Oh boy! My power nap lasted for 13 hours and 30 minutes :) I can't believe I actually went to bed at 8 pm!


It was a really nice weekend.
The funny part is, I never went out this weekend, like, to a club or a pub... Which, let me tell you, is very unlikely for myself! It led me to a conclusion: I may as well have had a routine in life that I wasn't aware of until this very moment. Every Friday and every Saturday night I would be out partying with very rear exceptions. 


...No, actually the funny part is I enjoyed not going out!
The main reason I did is because I was too tired, physically and psychologically, that all I needed was the tranquility of my own room, offline-ness, a blanket and a good movie. Just time to be. I wanted it to be relaxing, and I used most of my time for good stuff, like books and movies and small talk. :)


And still, full two days were not enough time to rest. Which means, with this arrangement, I do not have enough time to rest.


In the context of stages of recharging I was mentioning last weekend, I'd like to present how I see them before I continue with further analysis.

• Getting Some Sleep - obviously, this is where you rest physically, in the first place, and make up for all the missing hours of sleep or just sleep in. However, it is not enough, because sleep is just unconscious pause of thoughts. There is a very important conscious part of resting.
• Acknowledging the current state of mind - without having to think of the future or daily tasks, this is when you take time to contemplate over (recent) past and how changes that happened then affected you. It's just "digesting" inner and outer happenings and realizing how you actually feel (may sound silly, but constantly being busy with thinking about all the current stuff without chance to reflect really requires this stage). I like to think of this stage as time for putting yourself back into balance or, in more spiritual words, coming back to yourself.
• Living it - there then just needs to be a time when you will just be who you are in that very moment. Without contemplating, thinking hard or, God forbid, planning! This stage is when you actually mentally rest the most. That is when "recreation" happens. When the energy is accumulating.
• What next? - ...then you make conclusions, decisions and plans on what it is that you want for yourself further on.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily have to be the chronology, stages can be on simultaneously, or ransacked, or in several cycles each considering different part of your life...

Without having this kind of consciousness, we risk to lose ourselves in the world that surrounds us. There is so much influence from the outer world we are exposed to, we all tend to bend and lose focus on what really matters to us. We can easily lose who we are and what our true desires are pointed at.

There is pressure from people we interact with as they all, led with their own understandings and needs, expect us to be someone and do something, even in the best intentions.

Circumstances we live under change daily. If we consider every new day as a new little victory, than we are fighting something each new day and that is - new challenges we are facing and overcoming. Well, each little fight changes you and changes where you’re at (that is the reason why you’re fighting, isn’t it?).

And, of course, media (meaning all you hear, see and read, be it Internet, newspaper, books, TV, radio…). That’s where we get information from and what is the basis of our opinions…

Because of all of this, it is very important to actively reassess our thoughts, feelings and wishes so that we could remain in harmony with ourselves and still serve others.

Especially if we're busy, we don't have time to do all of this and to remain close to ourselves, and the bottom line - creative.

It may seem complex, but that's what I believe most of us are really going through; the matter is only if we're aware of it.

Some people do it on a very organic level without ever thinking about thinking about it - just simply by following their instincts and without the ability to act any differently!  

But in my personal experience, and as I've seen in others, you need to fight for it, and fight hard to reach what your dreams are. To be brave to look them in the eyes and accord with, regardless what the surroundings expects from you. (When talking about this, I always think of an extreme but very simple example: Imagine you've, in your late years, discovered that you are homosexual. It's hard to accept that news and share it with the others, but that is what you want and who you are.)

Also, there are those who never ask themselves these questions and, in my so-far observation, are a majority of people. This group is the most "threatened" - let me call it that name - to achieve genuine happiness. Sounds cruel, but my honest assurance is that people really need to live their own dreams and not dreams or expectations of others, weather it be imposed or oblivious. And, to live your dreams you need to be cognizant of them.

Of course, there are people who are brought to this world to live a simple life, beginning to the end, without ever wanting more than what's meant for them to live. Although, I believe that in each and every one of us lies an extraordinary and unique personality unlike any other, that can fulfill itself to the fullest. But, realistically speaking, it owes a lot to the nurture, somewhat education and finally, plain possibilities and opportunities given.

Others, like myself, are analytical and put it all in list and categories and schemes. :)

  

Finally, there is group of people that is all this and in between, I suppose...

I think this weekend I got as far as acknowledging my current state of mind, and, forced with the lack of time, I made some future plans, but I obviously missed the most important part for continuing on, which is accumulating solid energy. Not only I could've had more rest in all existing forms, but I dislike making any plans without contemplating enough. And also, I haven't had time to think of all I wanted to think about.


With the hope in forthcoming week to be winning,
Rock on! 

Day 25

Here's my day:

07:30 woke up

08:00 - 12:30 job 1

12:30 - 15:30 lunch + watching series with my sister

15:30 - 17:00 playing guitar

17:00 - 18:00 Master research

18:00 - 19:30 random browsing

19:30 sleep

I went to bed last night very late + it's the end of the week. I'm exhausted. Just thinking of studying or riding a bike makes me wanna cry like a baby, because all I wanna do is sleep like a baby.

I think I'll take a power nap instead of riding a bike or studying because it's Friday night, maybe I go out later... first things first, right? :)

Now, to be honest, I'm a bit demoralised when it comes to studying. Anyways my next shot is around 15th of January, so not only I don't feel like thinking about the exam right now, but it's objectively too much ahead...

I am so tired and sleepy, I can't even come up with the sentences...

Smell you guys next week!

Rock on!

Day 24

Today:


07:45 woke up
08:00 - 12:30 job 1 (luckily I live literally around the corner from my work)
12:30 - 16:30 I had a friend come around (lunch)
16:30 - 18:00 Masters, scholarships
18:00 - 20:30 studying (uni)
20:30 - 21:15 watching TV with my parents
21:15 - 00:15 blogging


Not many things I did, but what I did do, it was pretty productive. If there wasn't for this project, I probably would have spend the day pretty much the same, only feeling less guilty.


However, I would have started this post with: "Today I failed at my project." if minutes before I started writing I didn't receive a very supportive Facebook message from my friend Michael from Switzerland, in which there was the following:

"Be aware that progress towards your goals will never be in a straight line. It will always be a wavy line: Two steps forward, one step back.

That can be discouraging at points where you discover that you just slipped a step back. You think you are failing or you are losing it... But you really don't! You are simply in step with the natural rhythm of progress. If you understand that, you can build that in to your schedule. Plan your "comeback" while you are on top and block out time to get away from everything, recreate and refresh. That will make your comeback doing the two steps forward much more exciting."

It is a fragment from an audio book he was "reading" that he offered to share with me, so I still can't reference it, but I'm looking forward to receiving it and sharing it with you, too.

Of course, advices like this are comforting. It helps not loosing your faith and keeping up. It tells you you're not alone, that you're not mistaking, that what happens to you, happens to everyone.


On the other hand, I don't feel like being comforted. I mean, of course I do, everyone does. We all need a hug and an "Everything will be alright!" when it's hard. 
A close friend of mine often tells me I'm being too strict with myself and that I should give myself a break. But I'm doubting how good comfort is. As my macroeconomics professor once said: "It has to be painful". In other words - if it's hard, you are progressing. It means you're facing stuff that are challenging, or new. It gets you out of your comfort zone.

Skipping things that are hard, or looking for comfort is staying in your comfort zone. I believe most of us learned the most from the worst times in our lives, when we felt helpless, when we though everything is falling apart. When we were struggling to put ourselves in a better position. I know I did. 


However, this advice is right at it's many points: you can't struggle non-stop. Even the mighty computer needs to be turned off so it would work properly again, not to mention people, being creatures of will, emotions and moods.
At this point, or better say - this whole week, what I'm doing is pushing harder, but my marginal utility is dropping. Even in my experience this state does not bring forth any good results. I feel that I need to rest, to "recreate". If there wasn't for the project, I certainly would, but I'm trying to keep the consistency. That was the whole idea anyway, wasn't it: give 30 days of my life to the experiment.


As I was talking to my friend today about what will happen after the experiment is done, a thought crossed my mind: "How did I ever do anything without having the program?". It was 24 years of somewhat achievements, what put me in order, made me do stuff?
And it's this one thing - will. Sometimes you need nothing more than that, no outside force to make you do stuff. Now that I think of it, I'm pretty proud of myself for having done so much, just organically. And I think it is a very important thing to have in mind when I get (some time) to think about what will happen next.

Will I give myself a week of a break after it ends?
I will still have to keep going to job 1...
If I use this weekend, and every next, well enough to properly rest, will it be sufficient? 
When I started a project my mother told me a month is insufficient for gaining routine...


In conclusion, I would like to wish you this song, that my friend, Kaća Mladenović, reminded me of in her comment on my last few days:

Until tomorrow,
Live the Journey and Keep the faith!

Day 23

Today I literally spent the whole day blogging. I was blogging at job 1, then came home and blogged some more, then did some multitasking - blogging and checking what's going on with job 2 and other e-mails, then I just blogged... I had this few posts I was owing and because of all the mess that was going on that I had to put in words, it lasted for ages.
Naturally, I'm speechless now.


The cool thing is, I played guitar for more than an hour today and it was good. Right as it's supposed to be: pleasant, calming and overwhelming. I love it!


I guess I need to step away from the computer a little bit now so I would get my thoughts back!


I'm looking forward to writing again tomorrow, somewhere between 10 and 11 pm, exactly when I should.


Until tomorrow,
Shine on and may the force be with you!

Day 22

After having acknowledged my state, that was no longer a thing to think about. Naturally - solutions are. And I realized that after I figured out what more I could do to improve job 2 and after I sent the first e-mail to a university that offers a Master course I liked a lot.

I was definitely not as effective as I'm supposed to be, but at least life didn't feel like a total waste today and what I did, I did properly. Here it is:


07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:00 job 1
12:00 - 13:00 a walk (lunch)
13:00 - 15:15 job 2
15:00 - 16:00 guitar playing
16:00 - 18:00 looking for studies abroad


My sister (who I, by the way, live and spend half of my day with) told me today that she finally read my blog. :) It seemed to her not one day did I do all that I was supposed to, and in her opinion that is because I have too much planned each day ("As always!", she says).


That definitely is true. It is much. It's six different activities I need to commit my attention, time and energy to every day, excluding basic physiological needs like eating, Facebook & Twitter and seeing friends. :)
But the fact is, all six things are something my life consists of at the moment (I can divide it into three wholes: Work [job 1 and job 2]), Studying [exam and Master], Personal fitness & well being [guitar and bike]). I need to do all of them and I can't skip non (I can skip guitar, for instance, but I really don't feel like it, it brings me so much joy).


So, her suggestion was: why not schedule all the items weekly. Like, on some days play the guitar while on the others look for scholarship, and that way unload myself a bit. There's a whole discussion on the subject happening in my head and I'll leave it to some future post, when I have it figured out.
It definitely is something I have considered doing, in terms of modification of my schedule in the future.



Another thing - time for studying. It was completely wrong to put it in late afternoon. I did it because that's when I have lectures at the uni on Mondays and Thursdays, but later on I realized I have the same lecture earlier, too. I can take up those and reschedule studying hours to right after job 1. As the day flows by, I get more tired and when it comes to 6 pm I really don't feel fresh and funky enough to be creative enough to put all the unrelated, useless information I have to learn by heart into mind maps of a certain kind. But, as I said, there can't be any changes in the schedule until the 30 days reach their end. But after they do, studying is definitely happening earlier!


...Did I just sound like I'm continuing with the routine after the project is done? :)
Well, yes. I definitely am. Just thinking about leaving such important things in my life, with such a big volume to randomness is freaking me out! Even this organised I can't make it, how would I ever do it without a plan?!? :)


I think I will keep having the schedule, change it a bit... who knows, maybe start a new round of project! But, easy. We'll see when the time comes.  

See ya on the flip side!

Day 21

I don't even feel like going into what my today's routine was like, but definitely not as it's supposed to look like. 


07:30 woke up
08:00 - 12:30 job 1
12:30 - 14:00 (lunch)
14:00 - 16:45 job 2
16:45 - 17:00 guitar
17:00 - 18:00 CV
18:00 - wasting time...


I would either just totally loose it and go waste time, or sit and allegedly do what I'm supposed to, but the real truth is it was so reluctantly. Not to mention how productive...


I started having major doubts about how happy this whole thing makes me.
I started feeling like I'm put in a situation where I'm doing bunch of things I have to do, and not what I want to...and I hate having to!!
That is because I lost the idea of why. Things change, circumstances change and my attitude towards them changes as well, and I need to have time to digest it all. To think about it. To reassess my desires so I can then give myself explanation why is it good or important to hold on, motivate myself.


But in a rush that I had, all I had was a shell, with nothing inside. I had my schedule, but I had no idea why the hell I was doing it anymore! I still had a form, I was focused on when and what, but I lost the substance - what for.


What made things even more hard is that I suddenly got stuck.
First of all, all the effort that I put in job 2 doesn't seem to pay off. I figured out e-mails don't cut the mustard, so I tried other methods of approach... So many moves made, but I don't seem to get any feedback. So not only I don't know what to do anymore, but my motivation is way low and with that state of mind it's hard to maintain the winning attitude.


Then, the exam... I have this one exam left to obtaining a Bachelor degree. It's just that one step I need to make happen so I could continue on with my life, go some new places, do some new cool stuff, gain some new victories! There's many things in my current life I'd like to make different, but I just need to finish the uni so I could undividedly dive into whatever new and exciting I choose to be the next!


...I have this one exam for some time now. 
I've tried to pass it many times, without sufficient success and because it started feeling as if the future will never begin, I got really determined to get it over with this time! On Saturday I had the first test (the exam consist of three) and I took it really seriously this time, changed all I did wrong in the past, studied and learned more than ever, and did all I usually used to do in order to pass (this does not refer to prohibited means). 


And I didn't make it. Results are still not out, but I can tell I'm not passing. It seems I need to study like I want to score an A (which never really was my goal; I find marks genuinely irrelevant) just in order to pass. However, having passed this test would feel like unlocking the beginning of the future. But it never happened. 
And I'm stuck. Still stuck. How can I even look for a scholarship and apply for further studies when it seems like I'll never finish the ones I started five years ago?!


Under all of the circumstances, and in addition struggling with the idea of still having to work on it while feeling stuck and not having the time to think it all through and find the way out... well, how creative can you be? Art requires being close to yourself, and being close to yourself requires doing what you like and, more importantly, not making yourself do stuff. So, how could I possibly get a peace of mind and enjoy playing guitar...


There you go. My whole day. 
Stuck.


All I can do is randomly scroll through News feed and Timeline, which makes me feel even more distracted.


And that's what I don't like about routine. What happens when you don't feel like doing something?
On one hand, if you're determined about something you mustn't give up even if it feels pointless, even when it feels like you're failing. As Veroljub Zmijanac said at New Leaders Conference this year, if you want to suceed, you've got to be ready to shit your pants for it (he did literally say that).
On the other hand, if you want to be happy, you need to quit doing what you dislike, you need not to force it and quit beating yourself up...


So, what is a man to do?

Weekend: Day 19 and Day 20

Once again it proved that not having both days of the weekend free purely for leisure activities is a bad idea. I need all of that time! Firstly to get some proper sleep, then to have some time just for myself so I could collect my thoughts, contemplate on where I'm at, conclude, decide...


Saturday I woke up at 6 am to go to the exam.

At noon TEDxNoviSad was opening and I had to be there a bit earlier, so the trip to uni and back plus and hour and a half of writing the assignment - it was a rush.

Then I spend the whole Saturday on the conference, barely had a time to go back home to freshen up before I was out again, heading for a birthday party of a company I am kind of working for. As you can find linked, it was wild (I don't know how I managed to hold on, honestly, but I was definitely raging)!! I was home...well, early - and finally seized the bed!!

Waking up at 3 pm beaten didn't give me much of a chance to ponder over my own life. I maybe stepped into the first phase where you have a good rest in awake.

So I spend the "whole" day tumbling around, watching TV for 5 hours (O.o those who know me know that I don't watch TV unless it's a completely hopeless situation. I mean, I actually saw Clueless!) and a few of the episodes of Brothers & Sisters...

However, all I did manage to thing of is how poorly I did the exam...

Day 17 and Day 18

Two days right before the exam...


Do you remember how I said in my first post that I know in advance that the last few days before the exam are going to be challenging because that's when I usually study the most?


Well, not only I was studying the most in this two days, but focusing on what's ahead of me and only on that is of great importance. Keeping my mind clear for it and not dispersing my energy on other stuff.
Needless to say how irrelevant playing the guitar or trying hard about the job 2, for instance, is when put in the context of not passing the exam...


So, I spent these two days working in the morning and studying in the afternoon and in the evening. 


This was a test. I knew this was coming. But I wanted to see if it's something that I can affect on.


On the other hand, this situation reminded me of something: I find it really hard to do several thing at the same time. While I was still a regular student it was impossible for me to focus on studying two subjects at the same time. When I started working (and I was doing job 1 as I do now), studying was impossible. I needed to take days off to do the exams. So, I find it completely natural that I reacted this way right before the exam (though I did lose sight of it when I was setting my goals).


Only this time, I was working and studying at the same time and still didn't find it disturbing or difficult to maintain my diet.


This might be the proof that the higher you set your goals, the bigger achievement will be, even if it's not as big as planned.


...Which doesn't mean I'm not beating myself up about not achieving as much as I planned.
Am I right or wrong?